she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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