During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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