No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
