I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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