i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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