Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
