All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
