Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
