I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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