she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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