it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
