I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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