She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Can vaginas get frostbite?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
