she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
