I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
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