all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
