Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
