??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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