Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I did not marry a roomba.
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