You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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