My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
