The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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