can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
