I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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