she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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