if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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