gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
