At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
