His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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