is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
