I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
