is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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