My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
