Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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