There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
