Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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