You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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