Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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