i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
