can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
