shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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