two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
