Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
