It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
