Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
