If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
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