Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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