Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
