I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
