I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
