i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
