Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
