so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Randomize
