just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
