I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
