I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
